Most Amazing Day Ever

Hello readers.  Hope everyone has been waiting in anticipation for this entry, for this entry is all about the most amazing day yet of my entire life.  I am sure this statement will be repeated often over the coming  months, but so far it stands factual and as of yet un-toppled from the #1 rank it holds.  Also, to get back on the you get a video/song for the price of a blog...here is one from Massive Attack.  I chose this particular video for the mere fact, besides I dig the band, that a fetus in the womb sings the song.  I think, as you will soon see, it fits well with where I am heading today...

"Teardop" by Massive Attack

Now that the musical portion of this blog has been taken care of, onto the good stuff!

This past Thursday, which was August 16th, I went in for my first ultrasound.  I was 6 weeks and 1 day into my pregnancy, and so very lucky to get such an early glimpse at the life taking shape in my womb.  I can honestly say that nothing truly prepared me for that first moment of seeing the life I helped create.  I would love to be able to high-five the father at this point and give him a great big hug, but since he is merely a unanimous donor, I will have to settle for a simple thank you vibe sent out across the universe in hopes that he somehow feels it.  Honestly, there really is not enough thanks that can be given.

But before I once again get ahead of myself, I should begin with the agonizing wait that occurred in the doc's waiting room, aka holding cell, and the additional even more agonizing wait in the actual exam room, aka where the magic happens.

My appointment was for 9:30am, and while I knew I wouldn't get immediately back to see the doc, this particular morning the wait for my appointment felt like a conspiracy.

A conspiracy I tell you!

It just happened to be one of those mornings when the entire office was running behind and the waiting room was full of people.  It was very cool to be sitting there waiting knowing I was in for my first view of my wee-one.   For a change I wasn't like everyone else waiting...I had finally crossed to the other side from trying to conceive to official mommy in waiting.  It was kind of hard not to just bust out telling everyone in the room about my new pregnancy, but I refrained.

I felt like doing the Snoopy dance!

You never know when you might make some woman or couple who has been trying for ages cry from frustration at their own situation.  Even though I would like to think spewing happiness about my accomplishment would provide hope and give props to the awesome doctors, I have no real idea of what all those other people in the waiting room are going through.  I know we are all in for the same reason, but I also know our stories are vastly different.  I saw a lady come out of an exam room crying on one of my past visits, and I would never want to seem like an inconsiderate braggart to others who may be in for bad news rather than good.

So I'm sitting in the holding cell with my mom patiently waiting for my name to be called.  Every time the door back to the exam rooms opens and a nurse steps out with a chart in her hands and opens her mouth to call a name, I catch my breath.  And this happens over and over and over (I could keep going here but I'll refrain).  While waiting my mom did amuse me by knocking over a trash can lid while trying to throw her cup of water away.  It made a loud crash, I busted out guffawing as I am want to do, and everyone had to take a glance at our silliness.  Once again we managed to be the loudest people in a relatively quiet room.

I'm sure somewhere Godzilla actually did this!

But that's not really an important part of the story, I'm just drawing out getting to the point to make you feel somewhat like I felt that morning.  Additional happenings while waiting...I flipped through a Fit Pregnancy magazine, checked in via Facebook (btw, please go like my FB page www.facebook.com/singlemodernmom as I'm trying to build up my audience there as a fun extension of the blog, and I would truly appreciate many more fans...shameless plug, I know!), I finally talked my mom into going to the bathroom since her small bladder was being taxed by the wait, stared out the window for a bit, twiddled my thumbs, etc, etc, etc.

Finally at around 10:30am my name was finally called. YAY!!!  I was so damned excited and anxious I about couldn't stand it any longer, so good thing they finally called me.  Once again it was the usual, undress from the waist down and hop up on the exam table...and wait!  I had made it to the exam room, but my agonizing wait was still not over.  At first my mom and I chit-chatted thinking the doc would be in at any moment.  The nurse came in about 15 minutes later and I was so thrilled, but she was just there getting supplies, UGH!  And so we waited some more.  I flipped through an Entertainment Weekly and skimmed over why Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes split, admiring the pics of their daughter Suri whilst thinking about what my future child was going to look like.  I glanced at the Fit Pregnancy magazines available but realized I had read them all already.  I twiddled my thumbs some more.  Laid down, sat back up, repeated this over and over.  Am I getting across how excruciating the wait was yet?

Yes, this is similar to how I felt!
(except for the being a dude part)

By the time 11am rolled around I was about ready to grab the magic va-jay-jay wand and do the ultrasound myself.  I should probably explain that an ultrasound performed this early on is done vaginally and not through the belly.  I swear I could have!  But instead I kept telling myself that patience is a virtue...whatever!  About 11:15 the doc finally came in.  It was Dr. Batres this time, the only one of the three docs on staff I had yet to meet.  You see, my main doc is Dr. Miller, yet I had also seen Dr. Moutos on several occasions.  The thing I really love about Arkansas Fertility & Gynecology Associates (http://www.arkansasfertility.com figured I should give their offices another plug since they are so amazing) is that all the docs on staff are invested in your success.  They share the work and they all get credit for being a part of my conception team.   It's nice to know they all are rooting for you and got your back!

So in walks Dr. Batres, into the stirrups my feet go, and into the hoo-hoo the magic wand goes.  Finally after the wait of a lifetime, we are underway!  Well, almost.  First the doc scares the bejesus out of me, because at first all I see on the ultrasound monitor screen is what looks to be a big empty hole.  WTF?  Where is my baby?  I guess he sees the look on my face so then explains that he is first examining my ovaries before he moves to my uterus.  It seems that when you take fertility meds such as Clomid, the Clomid causes ovarian cysts to form from the ruptured follicles that released the egg(s).

Yeah, my thoughts exactly!

Remember that I had the one massive follicle in my left ovary? Well it left a nice-sized cyst.  I also had a smaller cyst in my right ovary.  Don't worry, this is completely normal and both should be gone by the time I'm 12 weeks along.  The doc did measure them to later make sure they are shrinking as expected.  After explaining what he was doing and what I was seeing, I felt a lot better.  And after he was done with those, he moved the magic hoo-hoo wand to my uterus.  And low and behold  there was my little bean!  Literally, the wee-one looked like a bean!  Even though he/she was just .529 cm in length, I was overwhelmingly amazed at what I saw.  There was my baby!  The cutest damn bean-shaped blob I had ever seen!

My baby's first pic!!!
See, it does look like a bean.

And it gets better.  After he pointed out where the head and feet were (by feet I really mean the tail-end as there are no "feet" yet), and took measurements that showed the little one was measuring at 6 weeks and 2 days, which is odd since I should have been 6 weeks and 1 day as per my last missed period, he then let me hear the heartbeat.

My baby's second pic!
See the heartbeat measurement lower left.

As you are probably aware, my mom is witnessing all this along with me.  Back in the day when she was pregnant with my brothers and myself, they didn't have this type of advanced equipment.  Not only could you not see the baby at such an early stage, but neither could you hear the heartbeat.  When I asked her later she informed me that the only time she got to hear our heartbeats as babies was on the fetal monitor in the delivery room.  So this was a first for both of us.  And let me tell you, there is no sound quite as spectacular as the sound of that little heartbeat.  It's alive!!!!  I also got to see the heart beating via the ultrasound.  It was going 110bpm (beats per minute).  The doc said this was very good as they were looking for a rate between 100-120bpm at this early stage.  That will increase as the fetus grows, but so far I was right on target.  It's alive!!! Wait, did I already say that?  I just can't help myself.  Seeing and hearing my baby for the first time absolutely took my breath away.  And at that moment everything seemed so much more real to me.  This was happening!  It isn't my imagination or a crazy dream, this is really happening.  I am carrying life around inside me that I created.

Here is a close-up.  Doesn't look like much but I'm so proud!

I, and I hear this is pretty true across the board, felt at that moment like I was the only pregnant woman on the planet and that everything going on inside me was truly a miracle at work.  There really are no words that can possibly describe the feelings I'm speaking of.  I'm sure other moms know exactly what I'm talking about.  But for women who have never experienced this before, and sadly for all men, this is an experience that shadows all other experiences.  Well at least it is so far.  As I mentioned at the beginning of this entry, I am sure I'll be repeating those words numerous times in the coming months...and that makes me uber excited!  To know I get to have more of these moments and they are all going to subsequently top each other in making my jaw drop, well there just isn't anything better on the planet that I can imagine!

As a matter of fact, I get to go back in on the 30th for my 8 week ultrasound.  I can't wait to see what the little one will look like then.  I know what to expect by Googling 8-week ultrasound pics, but it won't be the same as witnessing it for myself.  After my 8 week ultrasound, I finally get my first official "I'm pregnant" OBGYN appointment on Sept. 10th.  I have decided to go with the doc who delivered my niece Haven and has come highly recommended by several people I know.  My OBGYN retired, so I have been on the hunt for a new one, and now that I'm pregnant it made my choice relatively easy.  My fertility doc was happy with my choice and has already gotten all my info over to my new doc's office.  So it looks like I'm all set on moving this adventure along to the next phase.

Another fun moment of that ultrasound way was getting the first pics of my little bean (see pics above).  As the doc preformed the ultrasound he printed out several pics for me to take home and show everyone.  As I was checking out the receptionists ogled over the pics like they had never seen such awesomeness before!  And it was great walking out of the office and back into the waiting room with the pics in hand.  Since I hadn't bounced around the room shouting for joy before, this was my silent way of getting that "I'm pregnant" moment out to those still waiting.  I was even congratulated in the elevator whilst leaving the building...totally awesome!

And one more amazing thing...still no morning sickness!  I'm quite pleased that I have yet to hurl due to my "condition."  I really expected to be a puker as I've always had an easily upset stomach.  But so far, so good.  Not even a hint of nausea.

Free and clear so far!

 As a matter of fact, I still don't have all that many pregnancy symptoms.  I sometimes get fatigued easily but nothing too drastic, I do have to pee quite a bit more than usual but nothing too urgent has occurred, I have yet to develop food aversions or cravings, and while my boobs are still a bit sore and have grown a cup size (woohoo!), they seem to have leveled out on the growth spurt for the moment.  I will admit that my waistline has already began to expand, though.  My worst symptom besides random hunger is the bloating.  The bloating is the worst.  I actually had to finally break down and go buy maternity pants.

They're really not the bad.

It is really early to be moving into those, at least from what I have read, but my ass was not fitting into my other pants anymore.  For the past couple of weeks I have been strictly in dresses and skirts.  I finally decided I couldn't go another day without pants and went to the maternity store.  While most of my not fitting into my old pants is mostly bloating right now, I'm okay with the maternity pants.  They are remarkably comfortable and I have enough of a bump that they seem like a reasonable purchase at this point.  I'm looking forward to watching them expand along with my belly.  I always believed pregnancy would be the most amazing experience in the world, and so far I am completely correct.  I haven't had a bad day yet, and hopefully I'll continue to be lucky in that regard.

Well it's about time for me to gather up my mom and go for our 3-mile walk we've been doing regularly as of  recent.  I'm trying to get back into some sort of exercise routine now that I am less delicate than I was, or at least felt.  I want to keep myself healthy and fit throughout the pregnancy, and walking is about the best exercise I can do right now.  So on that note, I will leave you all for the moment and get back to my Sunday.  Hope everyone has had a nice weekend and I'll be back soon.

Oh, one final word.  I know I had mentioned that there was a possibility of up to three babies based on my mature follicles.  I was relieved to find I was preggers with only one baby, as now I can relax a little more and know I'll be able to focus my attention and spoiling on just the one.  I am already thinking, however, since I am only pregnant with the one, that I may turn around and try for a second wee-one before I turn 40.  My 38th is coming up on the 27th, so I won't have much time after this one is born, but I think I can do it.  Something to ponder...

Even The Dude is happy dancing for me!!!

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Conversation with the Landlord

Earlier today I called my landlord to let her know that I will be moving early next month.  She expressed sadness that I would be vacating my house.  I, of course, am a worry-free tenant who doesn't cause problems, pays on time, fixes my own broke stuff when I can, and doesn't throw wild parties till the wee hours of the morning...man how times have changed on that last point over the years!  I know she is probably not looking forward to finding someone who will care for her family home as much as I have these past two years.  And since the house sits on the front of her family's compound (as I like to call it), finding a person who is as phenomenal as I am to take my place...well, that's just impossible!  But my awesomness as a renter is not what I'm here to talk about today.  Today I am here to talk about the conversation I had with my landlord when I arrived home from work.

You all are aware, at least I hope you have figured it out by now, that I'm undergoing IUI sometime at the end of this month.  My luck it'll be on Memorial Day, since I tend to like to excite the holidays a little bit.  My hand injury and meningoencephalitis hospital stay covered Christmas and New Years back in 2008/09, so Memorial Day sounds good for this process.  Maybe a Valentine's Day birth?  Anyway, my landlord was unaware of this decision until I spoke to her earlier.  I had called while at work to let her know I was moving, and when she asked why, I told her I was doing a pregnant thing.  I can't remember my exact words, but she assumed I was already "with child."  When I arrived home this evening, she was doing some yard work outside my front door.  I have a feeling she just wanted to talk to me in person since she vanished after we spoke.  Right off the bat she asked me when I was due.  I hadn't really been that explanatory of my decision over the phone to her, as it's a little awkward still since many people have varying opinions on my decision.  Needless to say, I took this opportunity to divulge more information and move the conversation more to the point.  And this is where is got interesting...

At first I wasn't sure how she took the information.  I have gathered from my time here that she is a lot more religious than me.  I don't go to church and consider myself more of an agnostic pagan than anything else.  Don't get me wrong or tune out because of that!  I believe to each their own.  I don't expect people to agree with my spiritual/mother nature/cosmos beliefs, nor want to be pushed to be "saved" by converting to anyone else's beliefs.  I really don't feel that any one system of religion or spirituality, or whatever you want to call it, is better than another.  As long as you're a good person and do your damnedest not to hurt anyone, then I'm all good.  You could worship a piece of half-charred popcorn for all I care, just don't let it come to another person's harm.  Don't hate and don't push and shove...just be respectful that not everyone thinks and feels the way you do....but once again I digress...

So back to my landlord...

I initially wasn't quite sure how she took the news.  Her eyes got big and she wished me luck.  Inwardly I questioned if she understood or was immediately judging me.  This idea in my head of her judging me was completely not something I was going to let slide.  So I opened up the conversation to give her a bit more information.  I figured if I was willing and openly sharing the experience with anyone on the internet who wanted to read my blog, then I could just as easily explain to her my current choices.  We spoke of past relationships, heartbreak, children, and life plans that change and develop along completely unplanned paths as we travel through life.  I had no idea she was widowed at 44 with two children to raise on her own.  She said it was by no means a perfect marriage and that he had made some pretty awful life choices towards the end.  Even so, the loneliness she felt for years after her husband passed was in no way curable...not even by her children and close extended family.  She was by no means complaining or discouraging.  She was simply opening up about how difficult it can be to find the joy and harmony in life even when your children and other family members are right there in front of you.  I feel in my heart of hearts that she was trying to pass to me the wisdom of not expecting my child to cure any of my daily woes...don't expect never to be lonely again; don't expect that everything will work out perfect because forces are at work beyond your control; and definitely don't take any of it for granted--even the tough times--for it may all be gone in a flash before you know it. These are things I try to be aware of daily, but oftentimes forget in the hustle and bustle of life...this happens more often that I care to admit.

I was glad to hear she had recovered from this tumultuous point in her life...it took time, but she was living again and happy.  Once the tough times were through, she regained her spirit and place in this crazy world.  After relating this story to me, she spoke of her now 20-something daughter and how her daughter had recently said she didn't think she would ever want to get married because she couldn't find a decent man to even date.  We both had a chuckle at this!  It seems just about every woman I have spoken with recently feels the same way.  It seems we have mostly been through hell and back and are beginning to decide that hell is not such a great place to live on a daily basis (I refuse to capitalize hell because I don't believe it to be an actual place, more of a state of mind).  It is most definitely disheartening that this is becoming the normal train of thought for women.  The divorce rate numbers in this country are about even to if not higher than the number of marriages that last.  More and more women are going my route, and the bitterness and negativity regarding relationships seems to be growing at an alarming rate!  Why?  Have our core moral values changed?  Have we forgotten how to love?  Is it that as children our adult role models astronomically dropped the ball?  Or are we just lackadaisical on the matter?

I don't know the answers, all I have are questions.  As a hard-core scientist by nature, I'm thinking there's a really good research paper in there somewhere.  What I do know for certain is that I am not alone in my thinking and current life choices.  Even the doc's office mentioned how they are seeing more women like myself taking on single motherhood because of failed relationships.  Seems infertility at these clinics may be outnumbered by women who are alone and no longer willing to wait or compromise...which to me is way better than "accidentally" having a child because of precautionary failure!  And I will admittedly say I'd rather  have a child alone than go through a horrible divorce later with a child involved.  I would rather be the sole decision maker and take on the extra burden of single parenting than possibly irrevocably damage a child with in-family fighting.  Once again, don't take that the wrong way!  I know that type of situation is not necessarily a choice and can often blindside someone...so many things are outside our basic control.  I am also in no way implying that unbalanced relationships will unequivocally damage the child.  I'm not that kind of thinker, just simply trying to make a point.  I'm just surprised and disheartened that I'm not more alone...although I guess that may be a good thing?

In the end, I just found my conversation with my landlord very enlightening.  I have heard other people's opinions and concerns, most of these being family and close friends. To hear a completely unbiased voice was interesting and a bit refreshing.  I find it somewhat sad that single parenting choices are beginning to outweigh other directions, but I also feel somewhat comforted.  Either way you'll never be prepared, so I guess either way is just as good a path.  All I really know in the end is that I'm extremely excited and totally committed to my decision!  I know I'll be a fantastic mom.  And although times will not always be perfect, I will strive every day to remind myself to take in every moment and not lose sight of the wondrous life that I have helped create and nurture.  Regardless of my past or present, the future is going to be absolutely astounding and remarkable!  Daily affirmation...the world is bigger and more powerful than you, so hold on to everything big and small, for that is where you are saved!

Ugh!  I hope this is somewhat coherent and logically flows!  I mostly write in a fury and sometimes get off topic and jump between completely different trains of thought.  I try to re-read at the moment but am tangled up and miss basic grammar and concepts of motion. I will most undoubtedly go back in 2-3 days and rewrite some stuff or clean up what is already there.  As they taught me in grad school...writing isn't writing but rewriting!  If you see any majorly glaring typos or anything that just doesn't make sense, please feel free to let me know!  I'm a bit of a perfectionist, so that kind of stuff drives me batty!  Hate to ruin a good flow with bad wordage, hahahahahaha!

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Choosing My Donor

As of this past Thursday, I am officially all clear for take-off!  I had confidence that I had no underlying medical conditions that would warrant me not continuing on my current path, but having the doc's official stamp of approval is just nice to hear....perfectly working girly parts + spotless bill of health = time to make the biggest decision in my life, a.k.a picking a donor.  Remarkably this process was a lot less frustrating than going on horrible dates and/or being trapped within a self-imploding relationship.  Notice I used the and/or expression there, as it is possible to go on horrible dates in the midst of being trapped within a self-imploding relationship...hence the sign the relationship is unstable and should be severed before ultimate implosion occurs. Hence why I am at the current stage in my life, single and trying to conceive.  Hence this blog....I digress...

Even though I just officially got the green light from my doc, I actually began searching for a donor upon my initial decision to have a child. I will admit, it was kind of fun searching out cryobanks, skimming through profiles, imagining what my future bundle of joy would be like.  But it also made me question what were my top must-haves in a kid.  Was I looking for intelligence? Good looks?  Did I want them to be short or tall?  What about eye and hair color?  These are the types of things normally one probably does not consider when having a child within the confines of a relationship with a planned pregnancy.  You fall in love with who you fall in love with, you decide to have a child with them, and the rest is up to genetics.  If two people are in a relationship and decide to conceive, I doubt (unless there is an underlying medical concern such as dwarfism or such), one or the other person doesn't rightly think "hey, I don't want your kid cause they may have brown eyes and I want green!"  It just doesn't work that way, you love each other and whatever life you create will be perfect and unconditionally loved (at least until the teen years, I hear those are pretty awful for parents, ha!).  I, on the other hand, am not bound to another person with whom I want to create life.  I am just me.

So I have this mysteriously different option of getting to decide the traits I would like my child to possess.  I have no true emotional connection to the future father of my child, so my decision must be based on other factors.  Now don't get me wrong.  When I say I have no emotional connection, I'm not trying to sound soulless.  I simply mean that since I don't actually know the donor, although I do get to read some personal essays to help me determine their type of personality, I cannot base my decision on my feelings for them...well besides that ultimate gut feeling that came upon me Thursday morning....I will get to this gut feeling later.

So what am I looking for in a donor/50% of my future child's genetics?  Now it may sound shallow, but blue yes were important to me.  I have blue eyes, and I love them.  It is one genetic trait I can most definitely control.  With that said, I first narrowed down my donor selection by filtering out all the men who had eye colors other than blue.  This process significantly reduced the "gene pool" so to speak.  Once only blue-eyed donors were filtered, there were much fewer individuals to select from.  Why was having a child with blue eyes important to me?  Being that I'm about to become a single mom, I wanted to have some trait of mine that was 100% positively going to be expressed.  Since the blue eyed gene is recessive, if the donor and I both have blue eyes, then the child will too.  Since I'm mixing my genetics with a stranger in all practical terms, I want to at least have one thing guaranteed to be like me.

Hair color could also be controlled.  I was born with blond hair, although it has been a million various colors since my early twenties when I began randomly coloring it based on my mood.  I should state here, for those who are thinking it, no my hair is not blue as my profile pic suggests.  That is just a great wig I picked up in New Orleans for Halloween a couple of years back.  If I had the choice, I would probably actually have blue hair, as I think it suits me quite well and brings out my eyes.  But alas I do not live in Japan, where I think it would probably be more acceptable.  Nor am I 20-something anymore, so adulthood prevents me from wearing the wig except for special dress-up occasions.  Ok, back to the hair thing....  So, since I am technically a natural blond, I thought I might want a blond child.  I know how this is sounding, she's blond and blue-eyed and wants a blond/blue-eyed child...and she has major German ancestry...hmmmm.  Now stop that right there, this is not some Hitler Aryan dream child I'm trying to have! And yes, feel free to be amused by that statement!  I just thought at first it was one more trait I could control so I was guaranteed to have my own traits show up in the child.  My first two donors choices both were blond and blue eyed.  But why wasn't I feeling 100% confident with either one of them?

My first donor choice, well he sold out before I had my HSG.  So I was off to find another donor right away.  I couldn't find one at my original cryobank, so I switched to another bank.  There I did the same procedure as before, first narrowing the pool to blond/blue-eyed men.  I'll tell you, this drastically puts a dent in the number of selections.  Regardless of the decrease in choices, I did find a second donor who fit my criteria.  And it's not all about the coloring of eyes and hair, not even close!  I also was looking for personality traits based on their essays, and a good medical history...nothing lurking in the corners such as mass family alcoholism or breast cancer or anything of the like.  Once again, this is not something one would normally care about or question as thoroughly when planning a child in a committed relationship.  (I should say committed heterosexual relationship, cause there are various other types and I don't want to sound like I'm not considering those. Those who know me know I love my gays, so there really shouldn't be  any questions as to what I meant.)  Back to where I was...family medical history just usually comes with the entire package and probably isn't as closely checked when in a relationship.  But it is one of those things I get to ponder. Also intelligence was highly important.  So it was important to me that the donor have a relatively good GPA in college.  I know high GPA does not guarantee high intelligence or vice-versa. But it's at least a good meter when an actual sit down get-to-know-you kinda thing isn't available.

So, back to my second donor choice.  Blond, blue-eyed, smart, large family (good breeding stock?) very tall.  Height was another factor I was looking for.  I would rather my child have a better chance, especially if it's a boy, to be tall.  I like tall men, although I have dated various heights.  And if it's a girl, tall is also good.  I'm slightly above average in height, and I like that.  What can I say, I love having long legs!  And his childhood photo was adorable.  Norwegian ancestry, and I've always had a thing for Norwegians!  But I still wasn't feeling 100% sure.  I mean, he'd do, just as donor choice 1 would have done.  But neither gave me that gut impulse.

So it's Thursday morning, and my final doctor's appointment to get the results of all my tests is at 2:30.  I know once I get the all clear, then it will be time to actually purchase the sperm.  It is a massively, huge, gargantuan decision that will change my life forever...one I don't want to question even the slightest bit!!!  That morning I got to work and checked my email.  I had an email from California Cryobank with a fresh list of new donors.  At this point I had decided on a donor from another cryobank, although donor choice 1 was from there.  Well I didn't want to second guess myself, but I took a look anyway.  And there, at the very bottom of the list, was "the one"!  I know we've all heard of women finding "the one" and it usually involves some sort of dating ritual, falling head over heels, and making sweet love in the afternoon, yada, yada, yada.  This was nothing like that, per se.  But when I opened his file, the initial introductory paragraph made me sort of swoon.  Not in a lustful way, but in an almost dizzy feeling because something just seem so perfect.  So I dropped some cash and got the rest of the donor's profile.  Yep, here was the father of my child.  He had everything I was looking for, sort of.  Blue-eyed, of course that was not an option!  Smarts, very good high school and college GPAs.  Looks?  The staff impressions were quite the selling point with the whole very tall looked like he stepped out of a GQ magazine comments.  They did offer some celebrity look alikes with similar facial features, I will not reveal those for those are not the major deciding factor and can only be so reliable.  But not blond.  Nope, this one has brown hair, although in his 3 childhood photos, which were absolutely adorable, he does have blond up top.  I would assume this means he is more like me, blond as a child and got darker with age.  Although I was white-blond as a young kid and his was more of a dirty blond.  Once again, I digress...

But all that aside, in the end it was his personality, of all things, that won me over.  He had the type of sense of humor that appealed to me.  A few of his life stories were right along the same lines as mine...who else besides me has been shot off the back of a treadmill and thought it was absolutely hysterical? He loves puns, I for awhile was known as bad-pun girl (my super secret superpower!).  I really can't explain it, just something in me clicked.  I had no questions or qualms.  I had no worries or doubts.  This was him.  I kind of wonder if he felt a shift in the universe at that precise moment.  I can't imagine he didn't!  I assume we live in the same one and mine completely wobbled there for a second or two.  By the time I got to the doctor's office, I was absolutely 100% ready!  I received my green light, went home, and placed my order with California Cryobank.  Actually I went over to my parent's house and celebrated with a glass of wine!

So now it's just time to wait.  I started with ovulation kit testing this month and had my LH surge today (see pic above), which means I will ovulate tomorrow.  However, this month was just a practice run to make sure I was ovulating as I should.  The donor sperm will not be here till later in the week, and I didn't want to stress myself by having to rush this month.  So, this time next month I should be going in for my official first IUI.  The doctor seemed absolutely confident that I would get pregnant on the first try, so I'm thinking he also felt the wobble in the universe that day :)

For any readers also wanting a good cryobank, check out California Cryobank @ http://www.cryobank.com/.  No I won't reveal my donor number!

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HSG Panic and Procedure

So finally on to part 2...
Scouring the internet for other women's experienced with their HSG's provided much daunting information.  Most accounts were full of angst, pain, sever cramping enough to make the person hurl (while still on the doc's table), bleeding, etc.  Nothing much to grasp on to in hopes of a, if not pleasant, at least not an all that bothersome experience.   Of course, reading all these horror stories got me majorly wound up to say the least.  I was so wound up by the time the day of my appointment came, I was glad to have some Xanax on hand.  It helped calm my nerves slightly, and I began to relax knowing no matter how bad it was, in the end I was having a necessary procedure that's end goal was finally getting the all clear to start my IUIs.

So the day of HSG, I woke up, went to work, downed a Xanax, and waited.  At noon I left the office to go to the radiology clinic.  I had my mother with me, as she is sort of being my surrogate husband through all of this.  I think it important to have someone there with a second set of ears, since there is a lot of information to absorb and a ton of questions that one needs to remember to ask.  Following the advice of my doc and other women, I also took a painkiller...as a matter of fact, by the time I made it onto the doc's table almost 2 hours later, I had had two of these.  Overkill you say?  Maybe, but I wasn't taking any chances.  So, onto the procedure...

As usual with any type of gynecological appointment, it was the same thing...disrobe from the waist down, hop up on the table, spread eagle and slide to the end.  After so many years of doing this same maneuver, I still have yet to become comfortable with the whole thing.  But we do what we have to do!  So there I am, in the usual feet-in-stirrups position splayed to the world, with four other people in the room...the gynecologist performing the procedure, my secondary doctor, the nurse, and for mental support, my mom (don't be grossed out, she was behind me in a chair, not getting the doc's view).  And as usual, the speculum comes out...why is it always cold?  Once I am propped open and ready, which always takes some adjusting since I have a "tilted' uterus, the gyno performing the procedure informs me they are going to inject some lidocaine into my cervix...say what?  Not one of the forums I read bothered to mention this!  Needles are bad enough, but needles in my cervix, so not cool!!!  So naturally I tense up for a moment, doc says to relax and on
 the count of three give a big cough...1...2...3...COUGH!  Odd that the doc complimented me on my coughing skills, but I'm glad because I have a feeling the cough is necessary to take your mind away from the  needle prick.  Needles to say, hahahahaha, I didn't feel a thing!  No pressure, no stab, nothing!  That was a relief!

After the injection, the doc then inserts a catheter up through the cervix and slowly injects dye into the uterus.  The dye then pushes through the fallopian tubes to see if there are any blockages, leaks, or anything else of concern.  Here is where I get lucky!  Most of the horror stories I read were from women with tubal blockages.  The pressure from the dye pushing into the blocked tube, supposedly, can cause immense pain.  Well I really don't know if it was because of the pain pills or because I had no internal issues, but the procedure was nothing like I expected.  It was slightly uncomfortable, there was a little pressure as they rolled me from side to side to get the dye into each tube, but then it was all over in probably less than 5 minutes.  Afterward they had me get up slowly, as from the look of the gauze on the table it causes some pretty good bleeding, and get dressed...no locking the door to the bathroom though, in case you have emergency...which I assume is getting light-headed and passing out!

In the end, after all that build-up and panic, the procedure, at least for me, wasn't too awful.  I have had much worse things done to me, so this was nothing!  I will say that I was a bit light-headed the rest of the day, but that might have been from the pills.  And for the next few days I did have some cramping and light bleeding, but nothing that screamed of the horrors other women described.  Which is great, cause some of them made it sound a little worse than birthing a child!  I guess I learned that most people who go into these forums discuss the worst case scenarios.  I will try not to take them too seriously from now on.  That's not to say I still won't over-research everything, that's just who I am.  But in the future I will take these things with a grain of salt...and of course that pain pill if I feel it's necessary!  No point in taking a chance on that one, hahahaha!

Final result, my tubes look perfect, I have a follow up appointment with my doc on Thursday, April 26th, and I'm basically all clear for take-off!  Next step is finally deciding 100% on a donor and tracking my ovulation...but we'll save those things for another day :-)

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Preparing for Hysterosalpinogram

I promised in my first post to go back and explain the "procedure" I had yesterday.  The long-winded term is Hysterosalpinogram...but it is better known as an HSG (probably because no one can pronounce the damned thing). A week ago I had absolutely no clue what an HSG was, nor had I ever heard the term.  MSG I've heard of that, who hasn't?  But when the doc told me on my initial visit that I needed to schedule an HSG with the receptionist, I was almost completely clueless as to what that meant.  Don't get me wrong, he explained enough for me to understand that it was a procedure where they inject dye into the uterus to check that the uterus is in good working order and fallopian tubes are clear of any blockages or what-not.  This is to insure there is nothing in the way to obstruct either the sperm or egg from traveling the pathways necessary to "hook-up" on the dance floor, if know what I mean.  That's all good and fine, nothing like knowing ahead of time if there is anything that could possibly cause problems, especially considering the cost of going through IUI.  Anything to make the percentages higher that your IUI will result in a pregnancy!  But I have to admit when the doc said I could experience some "cramping" and to take some sort of pain killer ahead of time, I seriously began to wonder what he meant by the term "cramping."

Many, it seems, lifetimes ago I had a LEEP procedure to remove abnormal cervical cells (they turned out to be non-cancerous so yay for that!).  My gyno at the time had used almost identical words regarding experiencing some "cramping" with the procedure.  To this day I have yet to fully forgive her for not being a little more specific by what she meant.  For any of you who have had someone take a slice out of your insides without any anesthesia while up on a table with your legs spread and your most precious parts vulnerable to the world...well let's just say there is a reason why men don't give birth!  Women are known to have a much higher pain threshold than men, and it's a good thing cause the human race would have died out in one generation.  So remembering back on that vague wording from so many years ago, and remembering the pain associated with that vague wording, and adding that together with the instructions that a pain killer ahead of time would be smart, I began to worry and question what exactly was an HSG and what exactly should I really be expecting!      

With all that being said, like any good patient I began to scour the internet for a better explanation and to see what other women's experiences were like.  I know the internet is not always the best source of information, especially when examining medical issues, but I just couldn't help myself.  I'm a well-trained researcher (to a fault thanks to a remarkable education), so mistakenly I put my training to the test!  A good, basic outline of the procedure was easy enough to find.  Plenty of simple, cut and dry (no pun intended), no-nonsense medical knowledge available on the web.  But as always, I went searching for real-world, first-hand knowledge.  Needless to say, sometimes it may just be smarter keeping oneself in the dark!

Stay tuned for the rest of the story tomorrow!
Want more info on an HSG?  http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/hysterosalpingogram-21590

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