I am the 1%

(It's not what you're thinking)

Okay, okay!!  Before anyone gets their panties in a wad, the title is not what you think!  That said...

I've been pondering what to do while killing time before the big day.  I'm not one to write about what I had for breakfast this morning and how my workday went.  But, on the other hand, I have anywhere from probably 5-10 days (maybe 12 if it's one of those months) before I have any really massive news to verbally attack people with!  So, as that seems so far away and it's been over a week since my last post, I decided to just give a little something to gnaw on...for those interested.

Part of  what is offered in the donor information of the mystery man is a personality profile...aka their Keirsey Personalty Test results.  Now I'll say upfront, this is not a report I used in determining my donor.  I chose via other available information.  However, I did go back on a nothing-better-to-do night and dropped the $20 out of curiosity.  

So what is the Keirsey Personality Test?  Basically it is a psychology based questionnaire similar to the Carl Jung and Myer Briggs personality tests.  What is it for and why?  Basically it is supposed to assess your personality type based on your answers to a slew of questions and give you insight to who you are on a deeper level than your astrology report...cause this is real science people!  *tongue in cheek*

Anyway, so I'm sitting around with nothing to do and download my donor's report.  He is an INTJ or aka Rational Mastermind, aka The Scientist.

(Future baby-daddy...BAD ASS)

Now I'm not going to go into what all that means...that's what Google is for!  But if you are dying to know more go to http://www.personalitypage.com/INTJ.html.  There are a billion and two of these sites out there, so have at it!  But his personality type is not why I'm here.  This is all about me, people!

On reading his personality profile, I was given a link to take the test for myself.  So naturally my bored-ass self needed a 70 question test to help me relax.  I'm a thinker, and a researcher, and a little bit neurotic sometimes, so I did it!  Want to take the test yourself?  http://keirsey.com/sorter/instruments2.aspx?partid=0

So what did I find out?  I'm an INFJ, aka Idealist Counselor, aka Protector, aka yada, yada, yada.

(You'll get it later...maybe)

Which constitutes about 1% of the population cause I'm bad-ass that way!

Here are some of my basic attributes:
1)  I am the most suited for an INTJ (donor's) personality type....weird!
2) I share the same personality type as Jesus, Gandhi, and Mother Theresa!  Even weirder...Mother Theresa and I share the same birthday! (not year folks, I'm not that old!)
3) I'm a bit on the psychic side sometimes!  No seriously this is really weird because that is totally accurate (seriously no sarcasm there, it used to freak people out).
4) I'm a natural nurturer and rarely at peace with myself...yep, I do think and give of myself too much, almost to a fault...*sigh*
5) I enjoy writing and like to use metaphors...have you read my blog?
6)  No seriously, check out #2!!!

As for the rest of what an INFJ is all about, which I was pretty surprised at how spot-on some of the profile seemed to be, I will leave you to your own devices to click the link and read further.  http://personalityjunkie.com/the-infj/.

Do I take this information with a grain of salt?  Not really as I can no longer have tequila and I prefer my salt with tequila!  But I did find the information very interesting.  It's kind of like, as I said before, having a deeper look at your astrological sign profile...but more respected.

So do I feel special and unique?  You betcha!  Am I going to brag to the masses that I could be a savior of lost souls and the voice of the down-trodden if I so chose to give of myself in such a way?  You betcha!  Am I curious as to what profiles others have?  Oh hell yeah!

So if you get bored, need to kill some time, don't mind overly extending your brain functions to really think about the answers to questions where the answer is not so black and white...then go find one of the tests and take it.  There are many websites out there which offer various versions based on Keirsey, Jung, or Myers Briggs...a lot of them will try and swindle some cash out of you cause that is how we all make a living.  However, there are other sites that just let you have a bit of fun with it...choose your poison (no I didn't pay for mine!)  You can take a free one here: http://personalityjunkie.com/free-personality-test-myers-briggs-online-mbti/

So for the people who actually read this, there is a little bit of something to do until next time.  Take the test, discover yourself!  Tell the world unless you find out you're not so special as myself!!!  And please laugh a little...life is way too short not to amuse yourself!!!!

On a final note...depending on where you go and what you read...I do not vouch for accuracy of anything reported above!  It is all just a bit of amusement and is not meant to be taken as scientific hypothesis or theory.  Knowing my serious side doesn't mean I have to be serious all the time...enjoy and have a bit of fun!

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Conversation with the Landlord

Earlier today I called my landlord to let her know that I will be moving early next month.  She expressed sadness that I would be vacating my house.  I, of course, am a worry-free tenant who doesn't cause problems, pays on time, fixes my own broke stuff when I can, and doesn't throw wild parties till the wee hours of the morning...man how times have changed on that last point over the years!  I know she is probably not looking forward to finding someone who will care for her family home as much as I have these past two years.  And since the house sits on the front of her family's compound (as I like to call it), finding a person who is as phenomenal as I am to take my place...well, that's just impossible!  But my awesomness as a renter is not what I'm here to talk about today.  Today I am here to talk about the conversation I had with my landlord when I arrived home from work.

You all are aware, at least I hope you have figured it out by now, that I'm undergoing IUI sometime at the end of this month.  My luck it'll be on Memorial Day, since I tend to like to excite the holidays a little bit.  My hand injury and meningoencephalitis hospital stay covered Christmas and New Years back in 2008/09, so Memorial Day sounds good for this process.  Maybe a Valentine's Day birth?  Anyway, my landlord was unaware of this decision until I spoke to her earlier.  I had called while at work to let her know I was moving, and when she asked why, I told her I was doing a pregnant thing.  I can't remember my exact words, but she assumed I was already "with child."  When I arrived home this evening, she was doing some yard work outside my front door.  I have a feeling she just wanted to talk to me in person since she vanished after we spoke.  Right off the bat she asked me when I was due.  I hadn't really been that explanatory of my decision over the phone to her, as it's a little awkward still since many people have varying opinions on my decision.  Needless to say, I took this opportunity to divulge more information and move the conversation more to the point.  And this is where is got interesting...

At first I wasn't sure how she took the information.  I have gathered from my time here that she is a lot more religious than me.  I don't go to church and consider myself more of an agnostic pagan than anything else.  Don't get me wrong or tune out because of that!  I believe to each their own.  I don't expect people to agree with my spiritual/mother nature/cosmos beliefs, nor want to be pushed to be "saved" by converting to anyone else's beliefs.  I really don't feel that any one system of religion or spirituality, or whatever you want to call it, is better than another.  As long as you're a good person and do your damnedest not to hurt anyone, then I'm all good.  You could worship a piece of half-charred popcorn for all I care, just don't let it come to another person's harm.  Don't hate and don't push and shove...just be respectful that not everyone thinks and feels the way you do....but once again I digress...

So back to my landlord...

I initially wasn't quite sure how she took the news.  Her eyes got big and she wished me luck.  Inwardly I questioned if she understood or was immediately judging me.  This idea in my head of her judging me was completely not something I was going to let slide.  So I opened up the conversation to give her a bit more information.  I figured if I was willing and openly sharing the experience with anyone on the internet who wanted to read my blog, then I could just as easily explain to her my current choices.  We spoke of past relationships, heartbreak, children, and life plans that change and develop along completely unplanned paths as we travel through life.  I had no idea she was widowed at 44 with two children to raise on her own.  She said it was by no means a perfect marriage and that he had made some pretty awful life choices towards the end.  Even so, the loneliness she felt for years after her husband passed was in no way curable...not even by her children and close extended family.  She was by no means complaining or discouraging.  She was simply opening up about how difficult it can be to find the joy and harmony in life even when your children and other family members are right there in front of you.  I feel in my heart of hearts that she was trying to pass to me the wisdom of not expecting my child to cure any of my daily woes...don't expect never to be lonely again; don't expect that everything will work out perfect because forces are at work beyond your control; and definitely don't take any of it for granted--even the tough times--for it may all be gone in a flash before you know it. These are things I try to be aware of daily, but oftentimes forget in the hustle and bustle of life...this happens more often that I care to admit.

I was glad to hear she had recovered from this tumultuous point in her life...it took time, but she was living again and happy.  Once the tough times were through, she regained her spirit and place in this crazy world.  After relating this story to me, she spoke of her now 20-something daughter and how her daughter had recently said she didn't think she would ever want to get married because she couldn't find a decent man to even date.  We both had a chuckle at this!  It seems just about every woman I have spoken with recently feels the same way.  It seems we have mostly been through hell and back and are beginning to decide that hell is not such a great place to live on a daily basis (I refuse to capitalize hell because I don't believe it to be an actual place, more of a state of mind).  It is most definitely disheartening that this is becoming the normal train of thought for women.  The divorce rate numbers in this country are about even to if not higher than the number of marriages that last.  More and more women are going my route, and the bitterness and negativity regarding relationships seems to be growing at an alarming rate!  Why?  Have our core moral values changed?  Have we forgotten how to love?  Is it that as children our adult role models astronomically dropped the ball?  Or are we just lackadaisical on the matter?

I don't know the answers, all I have are questions.  As a hard-core scientist by nature, I'm thinking there's a really good research paper in there somewhere.  What I do know for certain is that I am not alone in my thinking and current life choices.  Even the doc's office mentioned how they are seeing more women like myself taking on single motherhood because of failed relationships.  Seems infertility at these clinics may be outnumbered by women who are alone and no longer willing to wait or compromise...which to me is way better than "accidentally" having a child because of precautionary failure!  And I will admittedly say I'd rather  have a child alone than go through a horrible divorce later with a child involved.  I would rather be the sole decision maker and take on the extra burden of single parenting than possibly irrevocably damage a child with in-family fighting.  Once again, don't take that the wrong way!  I know that type of situation is not necessarily a choice and can often blindside someone...so many things are outside our basic control.  I am also in no way implying that unbalanced relationships will unequivocally damage the child.  I'm not that kind of thinker, just simply trying to make a point.  I'm just surprised and disheartened that I'm not more alone...although I guess that may be a good thing?

In the end, I just found my conversation with my landlord very enlightening.  I have heard other people's opinions and concerns, most of these being family and close friends. To hear a completely unbiased voice was interesting and a bit refreshing.  I find it somewhat sad that single parenting choices are beginning to outweigh other directions, but I also feel somewhat comforted.  Either way you'll never be prepared, so I guess either way is just as good a path.  All I really know in the end is that I'm extremely excited and totally committed to my decision!  I know I'll be a fantastic mom.  And although times will not always be perfect, I will strive every day to remind myself to take in every moment and not lose sight of the wondrous life that I have helped create and nurture.  Regardless of my past or present, the future is going to be absolutely astounding and remarkable!  Daily affirmation...the world is bigger and more powerful than you, so hold on to everything big and small, for that is where you are saved!

Ugh!  I hope this is somewhat coherent and logically flows!  I mostly write in a fury and sometimes get off topic and jump between completely different trains of thought.  I try to re-read at the moment but am tangled up and miss basic grammar and concepts of motion. I will most undoubtedly go back in 2-3 days and rewrite some stuff or clean up what is already there.  As they taught me in grad school...writing isn't writing but rewriting!  If you see any majorly glaring typos or anything that just doesn't make sense, please feel free to let me know!  I'm a bit of a perfectionist, so that kind of stuff drives me batty!  Hate to ruin a good flow with bad wordage, hahahahahaha!

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I am Ashley's Discarded Eggs

I woke up this morning with a random thought in my head...well, I do that just about every morning, but today was especially marked in that it was a completely unique thought to me.  Lately I've been having a lot of these, mostly regarding motherhood, injections, ovulating, my uterus, etc.  Not that I've never pondered these topics, mind you.  But lately these topics have taken on whole new meanings, and I find myself engrossed in unusual  mental territory oftentimes backed with quite a bit of what I find to be somewhat amusing imagery.  I have always had the ability to entertain myself, and will often chuckle to myself for no apparent reason.  That said, everyone may not have the same reaction I had to this mornings particular train of thought.

First a little bit of background knowledge...  A woman is born with all her eggs. Actually by 20 weeks old, way before actual birth, is when all eggs are fully formed and at their maximum count.  How many eggs?  Depending on which source you scour, which I am a scourer of knowledge, you may get a differing answer.  But usually the numbers are up there in the low millions, roughly around 2 million.  The count varies by individual, and like I said, different sources claim different counts...which just means science isn't perfect and we're still learning.  Regardless of the actual factual number, from the moment when all of our eggs are gathered in the proverbial basket, we start uncontrollably killing off our offspring.  (I know a few parents out there to whom this may sound like a pretty damned good idea since they are dealing with those massively horrible teenage years at the moment. Yay! Something to which I can look forward!).  By the time we are actually born, our egg count has dropped drastically to approximately 600,000...once again this varies by individual and the number of eggs one actually produces as a fetus.  By puberty we're down another 200,000.  Whoa!

And after puberty?  Well every month we develop multiple eggs, although only one is normally released to travel along that wondrous path of creation with the higher-than-actually-getting-born-chance of entering into the world and becoming a little teenage shit!  Hahahaha!  Didn't see that coming did you?  Btw, both my brothers are dealing with newbie teenagers right now so that's where the teenage cracks are coming from.  I'm learning invaluable information regarding the horrors of this stage of parenting...the type I never realized whilst I was a teenager, of course, cause I was a freakin' angel! O:-) <-------notice my BIG halo! The other eggs developing every month?  Well they just shrivel up and die!  Which is exactly what will happen to the oh-so-special released egg if the elusive one sperm in a gajillion doesn't reach it's goal!

Okay, at this point some of you may be asking where this is leading and wondering why I find this amusing.  It's not the science behind the process that got me going this morning, it was the imagery that popped into my head while I regarded the science.  Has anyone here seen or read the Hunger Games?  Has anyone here been living under a rock for several months?  If you answered yes to question 2, then you probably answered no to question 1.  I seriously doubt anyone answered no to question 1, and if so I apologize as this may be a bit confusing.  But for those who answered yes...I woke up this morning with the imagery that what is left of my eggs, which is approaching an alarmingly smaller and smaller number every month, are "tributes" in a Hunger Game style reaping.  Each one is marked and has the potential for death every month, but only so many are chosen to compete in the arena.  At this point, the "chosen" ones go into the death-match arena and there can only be one survivor!  But in the end, if the sole survivor of the death match doesn't satisfy the masses (aka gajillion sperm), it is also exterminated!  Unfortunately unlike the book/movie, this reaping occurs monthly instead of yearly.  I know this isn't a perfect metaphor, but I'm sure you get where I'm coming from.

The other image I had this morning in regards to the same pondering, was one where all of my eggs were shoving this one poor little sacrificial egg towards the fallopian tubes. This image consisted of the poor little fella holding on to the edges of the tube entrance and pleading not to be pushed to certain death!   "Not me, Not yet!"  "Just one more month!" "You ought not done that, he's just a boy!" *All other eggs sneering and pushing like big-egged bullies* While this may not seem amusing, and I'd draw you a picture to relate the visual if I had any artistic talent besides dancing...(maybe an interpretive dance video?)...anyway, the thought just cracked me up! Like I said before, everyone may not get my inner humor!  I suppose the thought was driven my contemplation and realization that this was the first month in all my years in which I purposefully decided to doom this month's egg and that next month's egg had full potential of actual survival beyond my uterus.

On the flip side of my amusement, I also for the first time harbored a since of guilt about this natural monthly sacrifice.  Even though I've been doing this involuntarily since inside the womb, this month just felt different.  This month seemed more like a choice, whereas all the other months it was simply mother nature doing what she does.  And next month will also be a choice...the conscious choice to actually try and fertilize the "tribute" rather than kill it off in the death-match arena before it even stands a chance!  It is highly likely my self-amusing imagery was some sort of defense mechanism against the realization of all the possibilities lost throughout my life...of all the eggs discarded that were each, at 20 weeks, possibly a wonderful little bundle of cuddly, amazing, unique joy.  Then again, things happen the way they're supposed to in the end.  Next month, if everything goes as planned, one of those possible bundles of cuddly, amazing, unique joy will no longer be hanging on the precipice of extinction and actually be on it's way to becoming that teenage horror which I may at some crazed moment wish back into the arena because it has displeased the masses!

So there you go...my random thought of the day. :)

I found this particular site very informative for those who are interested. http://www.infertile.com/brochures/biological_clock04.htm  There is a lot of information out there, and a lot of it conflicting even between scientists and doctors.  The basics remain the same, so this was a good middle-of-the-road site.

Not sure what the rules are for using other people's images in blogs (I'm new at this), but must give credit on the second pic to the creative genius of Gary Larson's The Far Side®  

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